LGBTeen

Note to all y’all baby-homos out there: gay-girl crushes suck. Fact of life. Because, see, either these crushes are on STRAIGHT girls, leading to unrequited love, or if it’s on gay girls, well…

These gay girls may be one of your really close friends you just came out to who happens to like someone almost 2 years older who you ALSO just came out to and you have to suffer through all the “Look what she just texted me!”s and the “Guess what, we just made out yesterday!”s.

Okay, so maybe that’s not true. If you are semi-openly gay but willing to come out for the openly gay girl you like, chances are you’re going to get the girl. See, when a lesbian finds out there’s another lesbian in the building, relationships usually ensue. 

But MY school has certain circumstances which makes the above not applicable in my situation. There is only one openly gay girl at school. That being the 2-year-older girl mentioned above who runs GSA. Then there is Casey (see last post). She came out to our school’s GSA last week, and Casey and 2-year-older (let’s call her Ella) have been texting for weeks and just last week, they admitted to each other that they like each other. And kissed. And made out. And continue to text each other. 

While I stand by, listening to Casey. Who, yes, is the girl I’ve liked since the beginning of the year and know I can’t have, because my school has some weird subculture of semi-closeted gay people who are all in GSA but only tell their closest friends (some of these closest friends being Casey), so Casey would rather like one these semi-closeted gay people if she didn’t like Ella. 

Note: yes, I am a part of this semi-closeted sub-culture.

This majorly sucks. I’ve liked her since the beginning of the year (before I found out she was gay), but my friends like to be really possessive of her and not let us hang out alone. Hypothesis: one of these said friends is part of aforementioned sub-culture, hence possessiveness.

I’ll update later. We’re doing something next Friday + sleepover, but AS FRIENDS. Should I tell her?  

So over the past weekend I came out to another girl friend (girl. friend. not girlfriend) and happy happy joy joy, all is good in the world!

I told her over email sort of jokingly, she responded jokingly, and then I said: “No, but seriously, I’m gay.” Good stuff. We talked about it all day, I told her my whole story for the umpteenth time, and we talked about Amy for a while. Note: this girl friend, Casey, is gay as well, so obviously she was gonna be pretty accepting.

So what advice do I give to y’all secret homos out there who want to come out? Tell your friends first. It’s way easier. Some people prefer to do it to their faces, but I know a lot of people who would rather just group facebook message them all or take their time and send out their own little emails. I don’t want to scare you all away from doing it face-to-face because I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, I’m just saying that it can get super awkward - thankfully, the awkwardness is only felt by you :) The other friend seems to never feel awkward.

The first person I told that I was gay was Amy herself, and she was very nonchalant about it. Almost irritatingly so. ADVICE TO THOSE WHO PEOPLE ARE COMING OUT TO: Do not, and I say DO NOT not react. If you’re all ‘Oh whatever, no biggie, let’s move on with our lives’ the person coming out can end up feeling like this doesn’t matter at all. I mean, don’t overreact like it’s the end of the world or like it’s the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to them, but do NOT underreact. It sucks.

Anyhow, I told Amy in person, but she already assumed I was gay when I told her I liked her. So it really wasn’t a big deal. PLUS I told her I was bi, not gay, and only told her a few days ago that I was actually gay. She definitely reacted this time - in the ‘let’s go give her a big gay hug and rainbow cupcakes and coming out party!’ way. It was pretty cool. <3

But basically, all I can say is: take your time. Don’t rush yourself in coming out - just do it when it feels right. I know it’s confusing and it sucks having to keep this from everyone and dealing with it all on your own, but don’t tell the whole world you’re gay before you really know yourself. I told a couple friends I was bi before I figured out I was gay and I’ve had to go back and be all, “Oh, JOKES, I’m actually gay.”

Love you all!

- Emily

Spring break, eighth grade. I was still totally in love with Amy. And I had a newfound penchant for Pretty Little Liars (Shay Mitchell, marry me?), and thus the qualms about my sexuality begin.

I had heard that many teens go through a period in their life where they start ‘questioning their sexuality’. My first thought? Total bullshit. Boy, was I wrong (a bit of a double meaning there. No? I’m tired, shut up). During my PLL phase, I convinced myself I was 100% gay. To this day, this still confuses me. After that, I assumed it was because I only WANTED to be gay because it seemed so… great to me. I don’t know, and it doesn’t make sense, but after that, I developed a crush on a GUY. So I was completely confused. Afterwards, I fell BACK in love with Amy, the crush wore off (correction: I realize now it had never really began in the first place but I didn’t know that at the time), and I concluded I was bi.

Fast-forward to summer. I had fallen out of love with Amy, as she was moving, and for a whole bunch of other unrelated reasons. I’m not going to go into those now, but they didn’t relate at all to my sexuality, so they are irrelevant to this blog.

I feel like when people say that they fell in love with their best friend, the best friend always comes off as a major bitch or like the two friends weren’t very close at all in the first place. Maybe that’s just me. But Amy and I were and still are best friends, and our bond was never broken by the fact that I was madly in love with her.

Back to the point. Summer. At the aforementioned all-girls camp (see my story: part uno), I *gasp* began crushing on a girl who we’ll call Sara, and sort-of-kind-of had a thing with another girl there, who we’ll call Hannah. I know. I had a thing with someone! Well, I’m not totally sure if we had a thing. We spooned a lot and had romantic incidences by the lake (which she liked to comment about the romantic-ness of) and then she told me she needed to talk to me alone about ‘our… relationship’ (that’s a quote), and then camp was over and I never talked to her alone about our relationship. I have yet to figure that out…

So then, this year, I joined my high school’s GSA and was suddenly totally impassioned by it, and realized I wanted to come out. But come out as what? Thus began the past weekend of QUESTIONING. It sucks. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m 100% gay, as guys just don’t attract me. When I fantasize about a relationship, it’s with a girl, not a guy. Guys are just so big and muscle-y and powerful and hard (no pun intended, haha), and girls are… soft. And beautiful. I just don’t think of guys as beautiful; I honestly don’t understand it.

Well, that’s me!

Enjoy them cute photos? So did I. But it’s back to business now…

In eighth grade, I became best friends with my then not-best-friend-but-still-friend, who we’ll call Amy. On our school trip, I was rooming with her and some other friends, and on the last night, we decided to play truth or dare. No, nothing actually happened. BUT in the middle of the game, Amy came down to my bed and we both fell asleep there. In a tiny bunk bed. And I realized that I liked it, in some way, and at the time, it didn’t seem weird or like it had any relevance. I just liked it.

I then proceeded to fall in love with her.

I still get totally confused when I look back on it. I remember being so against me being gay (not anyone else, just me) over the summer and during other points in time, but when I remember the night I realized I actually LIKED her, I wasn’t against it at all. It didn’t seem significant at the time. Until I told her. We always went to a certain part of the school just to talk about our ‘stuff’ (…wow that could be taken as dirty. Not what I intended) and then we made this big deal about who I liked and so I promised I would tell her. So we spent a week/probably more with her going over ALL the guys in the grade, trying to figure out who it was and I remember being super obvious about it all the time. Like I was always saying she’d NEVER guess it if she kept on guessing the guys, and somehow she was still clueless. So one day, at this spot at school, I told her I liked a girl, but I didn’t tell her WHO, though I was always hinting that it was her after that. I felt gross. Honestly, I felt horrible for admitting I liked a GIRL. Let me repeat that I was never homophobic or against other people being gay, it just seemed like it would never have to apply to ME of all people. I always wanted to be so ‘perfect’, and being gay would not seem perfect to everyone else. Then I told her, she was nonchalant about it, and I grew to accept it. I think I just got used to it…

She never ‘turned gay for me’ or whatever you so choose to call it. I was so convinced she liked me or at least had a smidgen of attraction to me, but alas, nothing happened. Except for we kissed twice during another game of Truth or Dare. I’m pretty sure everyone could tell I had a thing for her, and even now, people still might have their suspicions about me.